Did you know that more newborns arrive during the late summer and early fall months of July, August, and September than during any other time of the year? I know you men out there are just dying to hear the explanation: During the nine months preceding this annual oomph to our species, the weather gets colder in most parts of the U.S.–and people spend more time indoors with nothing much else to do than to…you know. (Lucky folks of Alaska!)

Are you men still snoring?

Angelina Jolie was born on June 4, 1975.

Now that I have your full and upright attention, Jolie’s impact on world population is far more significant than the coincidence of her birth month. Whether Angie is adopting a child or downloading one of her own, she is a global trendsetter. Celebrities are not only the most vulnerable suckers for trends and fads; they are at the outright mercy of everything Jolie, including tattoos of sacred text like “Ohm.” And since Buddhism will be a
passing fancy on Rodeo Drive, the tattoo can easily be amended by adding an “M” to the front of it. Cool way to spell “MOhm!” Angelina has entire scriptures on her shoulders and an enormous crouching tiger on her lower back from hip bone to hip bone. I’m sure there is a hidden dragon somewhere. Probably it’s hiding from the crouching tiger, far south of the scriptures all the way to her skivvies or knickers, as they say when she and Brad hang out with Prince Charles and Camilla, also famous for her knickers, where Charles was caught hiding.

But it is babies (“Brangelina” have four) who are the latest, must-have fashion accessories of the year. Chihuahuas, dressed in pink tutus and schlepped to lunch at The Ivy in designer Louis Vuitton’s pet carrier bags that cost enough to feed Ethiopia for a year, are soooo yesterday! Louis V. and his staff arehard at work creating new baby slings and snugglies for mom to schlep to The Ivy with trendy baby, the ballerina Chihuahua’s latest replacement.

This summer’s blockbuster, Knocked Up, starring Southern gal Katherine Heigl, contains a scene that will make it into the annals of motion picture history. Heigl’s very pregnant character delivers in the most realistic, graphic scene of childbirth ever to grace high definition screens nationwide.

I love Katherine Heigl for this scene. She released me from the recent trauma of seeing supermodel Heidi Klum, who had given birth to her third child about oh…five minutes before, sashay, live, down the Victoria’s Secret runway. The audience went wild with hoots and cheers for Heidi’s incredibly magnificent, post-childbirth body. She was wearing sexy, elegant lingerie.

Lots of people went wild at the Mount Sinai Hospital’s Charity Ball as I sashayed, during my ninth month of pregnancy (already overdue by 10 days), from the dance floor to the ladies room, again!!! “FREE WILLY!” they cheered, as I urgently ran by. “FREEEEE WILLLLY!” They must really have been turned on by the not-so-secret Victoria’s circus tent I was wearing as a cocktail dress. It was all I could fit into, and all I could get out of after bloating up with water retention like a school of blowfish. Make that a University of blowfish.

Actress Marcia Cross gave birth to twin girls a few months ago. She’s already in fabulous shape when shooting begins on the Desperate Housewives set. Free Willy was still hanging around in the circus tent I was still wearing. Standing on a scale with one foot does not help a new mom lose the baby weight. Turning the scale upside down won’t help either. Darn! I forgot to hire a personal trainer, acupuncturist, masseuse and chef. So, Jolly Mrs. Santa Claus-Stieber would avoid looking into the mirror until that fateful day when her husband, Doc, the Romanian Bredneck* surgeon, came home with an exciting announcement: “Sweetness, I got a job as a Fellow in Liver Transplantation!”

“Wow,” I squealed with joy, “That’s fantastic! When do you start?”

“As soon as we get settled in San Diego. Can you believe it, honey! We are moving to beautiful San Diego!”

Wait a minute…we are moving to California, land of the surfer blondes? San Diego, where cellulite was banned during the time of the prohibition but never reinstated along with alcohol? Mrs. Santa Claus-Stieber in a string bikini, walking behind Christie Brinkley and Claudia Schiffer on the beaches of La Jolla?

Doc is baffled. “Aren’t you excited?” he asks me. “San Diego! You love the beach. Please, say something.”

After a moment’s thought, I lamented, “I’ll miss you.”

I did end up losing all the weight in less than one month, having started by removing the ten pound bags of frozen Milky Ways from the freezer and breast feeding our daughter, Alexandra, 20-30 times a day. I believe it is how she developed the beautiful deep dimple in her left cheek. California here we come.

As for Angelina’s other trend – tattoos – before you commit to ink, remember that a delicate, red rose tattooed on a firm, young breast, will eventually turn into a wilting geranium as you age. By the time Angie reaches 80 years old, the slouching tiger will have sagged into her knickers, and the sacred text will look like a Chinese take-out menu after having been dropped into a bowl of won-ton soup.

Love every minute of time spent with your children. They grow so fast.

Shalom, y’all!